1/3 Baked Ideas

The computer that is my brain never stops working. Even when I want it to power down for a little bit it keeps on whirring. Only through copious amounts of alcohol can I even slow it down. For all the times this is annoying, occasionally it yields interesting results. These results are my 1/3 baked ideas. For those of you new or unfamiliar, these are ideas which are not quite good enough to be half baked. Today you are getting 1/3 more of my 1/3 baked ideas. For you without calculators, that's 4. These come completely from my own brain. Any resemblance to any other ideas, past or present, is merely coincidental.

Idea 1. I love Twitter. I try to tweet every so often without being obnoxious about it. I also follow a lot of other people who are tweeting. I enjoy reading what they have to say and appreciate the updates. Unless it is an update on something that is on TV which has not yet aired on the west coast. Last night I checked my phone and saw there was a text message from twitter. I pressed OK to read it and the yet-to-be-aired results of Dancing With the Stars (I'll admit I watch it. I am not ashamed.) hit me in the face like a Manny Pacquiao right hand. The time was 8:26 PDT when I read the message and the final results show would not begin to air for another 34 minutes. I know people are eager to give congratulations for great achievements (or not so great achievements) but can this wait until everyone has had a chance to see it?

I propose that individuals not be allowed to tweet results of awards shows, competitions, etc. that have yet to air in their entirety on the west coast. Anyone caught violating this rule more than once will have their twitter account suspended. I should not have to forsake all contact with my cell phone for an entire evening so results are not spoiled for me. Thanks in advance.

Idea 2. The NFL, in its quest to make not just other worldly money but rather ungodly money, is throwing around the idea of extending the regular season from 16 to 18 games. More games means more revenue. This is a terrible idea. There are already so many players who get hurt during the course of playing 16 games of such a fast, violent sport. What do you suppose will happen if you make these tired, weary players play 2 more games? Fewer injuries? I don't think so. If the NFL wants to make more money without putting their players (without whom nobody would get all of this revenue) at risk here is what it needs to do.

The regular season is 17 weeks long currently. The extra week is because each team gets a bye week at some point during the season. What if the NFL just extended the regular season by one week and gave each team an extra bye week? Every team would play on the first week of the season and the last week of the season. Then each team would receive a bye in the first half of the season and the second half of the season. This would mean that 4 teams would have a bye each week. The same number of games would be played as before but revenue would be increased in two ways.

First, revenue would increase directly because the league could negotiate slightly higher TV rights contracts due to the extra week of football. Indirectly, revenue would increase because players would be better rested and less prone to injury. Viewership is up when key players are healthy and playing instead of injured. Also, with players having more time to rest, the quality of play will increase slightly, making the games more fun to watch and garnering higher ratings, which will lead to increased TV rights money and higher advertising dollars. The league gets more money and the players do not need to play any extra games. Win-win.

Idea 3. A couple days ago I got a paper cut at the very top of my finger, right by the edge of my fingernail. A traditional band-aid will not work because if you place it over the top of your finger, it will not stay on. Wrapping it around the finger at the top will keep it on but the paper cut is slightly exposed. Why can't we have a band aid that goes on kind of like a thimble, covering the entire top of the finger so that the wound can be completely covered. At the top of the bandage would be the antiseptic pad and the bottom would be sticky so it can adhere to the finger tightly all the way around. Problem solved.

Idea 4. We all have either played Rock Band or watched somebody play. We stand, mouth agape, in awe of someone playing at 100%. We laugh at that same person who has had too much to drink and cannot play nearly as well. Wouldn't you like to see this side by side? I propose a new web series that will show people doing the same things both sober and intoxicated. Imagine seeing a video of someone playing Rock Band. The camera looks over the shoulder as the same song is played sober and drunk so you can see the person racking up points on one side, messing up constantly on the other. We could expand this to other endeavors. How about sober vs. drunk free throw shooting? Or bike riding? (Without cars around and while wearing a helmet of course) How fun would it be to see highlights of someone taking an SAT exam sober vs. drunk and seeing how much more poorly they score drunk? Could someone do these things better while drunk? I think it would make for good entertainment. The possibilities are endless. Like you wouldn't watch this?

Those are the results of this week's endless thought. I'd like to think some of these ideas might work in a parallel universe. It's a shame my brain isn't wired to think about social problems or physics. Alas.

Unsportsman(or woman)like Conduct

I am a father of two daughters. One is 9, one is 5. From the moment I wake up until the time I fall asleep I have only two goals for them. The first is that neither of them end up as a stripper. The second is that neither of them end up doing porn. Nothing worse than accidentally ending up in the adult film section of DVD Planet and seeing one of your daughters staring seductively back at you. Sorry, I just got back from taking a Silkwood shower. Those were the two most important things that guided each and every decision I made. That is until November 5. I now have a third goal: do not, under any circumstances let my girls grow up to be like Elizabeth Lambert.

Elizabeth Lambert played for the University of New Mexico's woman's soccer team against Brigham Young University in a Mountain West Conference semifinal. Her play, if you can call it that was so horrendously dirty that it has launched a firestorm of YouTube clips. Check the video out here. Go on, I'll wait. Seriously, what are you waiting for? Watch it now. Great. Your reaction was likely one of two things: shock or laughter. Shall we take a closer look?

For you soccer newbies, players are issued either a yellow card (caution) or red card (instant ejection) for play or conduct deemed dangerous or detrimental to the sport. A player who is issued two yellow cards during the same match is instantly ejected. If I told you that after all of these incidents she was not even ejected would you believe me? Let's break down the action.

Incident 1: Lambert puts a solid forearm into the back of her opponent. If an official were to see this a yellow card is likely issue. This could be eligible for a red card if it happened later but early in the match a yellow is more appropriate.

Incident 2: Lambert wildly kicks at a ball near her opponent's chest and roughly impedes said opponent's progress and brings her to the ground. This could bring out a yellow card but would most likely be a very stern warning from the official that anything else would mean receiving a card.

Incident 3: Lambert completely wipes out her opponent with an out of control tackle, barely making any real attempt at the ball. This would almost certainly be a yellow card, which at this point should have been her second yellow card, thus leading to her ejection. Details are cloudy but I believe Lambert indeed received a yellow card for this.

Incident 4: Lambert pulls a BYU player to the ground by her ponytail. Clearly this qualifies for a red card and disqualification, regardless of what point of the game this happened in or what had preceded it. Strangely this was not caught by the referee or any of the sideline officials who have the authority to stop the game, confer with the lead official, and assure that the appropriate action is taken.

Even more incredulous is Lambert's reaction to the outrage her play has caused. She states that more attention has been given to her because she's a woman. I don't believe this is so. This would have made mainstream sports highlight shows regardless of whether it was a man or a woman who had done this. She also states that her rough play was just hard play in the context of a soccer match and that casual fans wouldn't understand. I consider myself to be a slightly more than casual fan of soccer and I have never seen this before. Lastly, she states that the video makes her look like a monster and this is not the way she plays. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt on this to a degree. I have not seen any other games she has played but I have not heard of any other incidents such as this one. For this game, however, it is clear that she was intent on playing aggressively and doing whatever it takes to win. Whatever is right.

I have never seen rough play as blatant as Lambert's performance in this game. You will see one incident from time to time but never repeatedly. Why? Because officials usually are competent enough to stop this sort of play after the first incident! We documented 4 separate incidents where she could have received a yellow card and 2 where she could have received a red card. How so many incidents were overlooked by three officials over the course of the game mystifies me.

You have read previous posts by me about my growing love of soccer. I thoroughly enjoy the sport when it is played at the highest level. I yearn for the day when soccer is as important here as the other major sports and we can compete on the highest levels internationally. Exactly what needs to be done for this is a discussion for another day but part of the problem is we do not have the level of officiating needed to ensure that games are fair, well played and the skill of players is allowed to shine through. Once this is resolved we will be able to go a long way toward building the type of sport that Americans can enjoy on the highest level without having to look to Europe.

As I go to sleep tonight I will be thinking about Elizabeth Lambert and doing everything I can to make sure that my daughters do the opposite of her and conduct themselves with grace, honor and professionalism at all times as young women and on into adulthood. Oh yeah, and making sure they do not end up on a stripper pole or on YouPorn either.

Thrill of a Lifetime

I'm back. After a bit of a sabbatical to tend to personal matters I have returned. I spent the vast majority of my time the last two weeks studying for my pharmacy tech certification exam. I am pleased to say that preliminary results indicate I have passed. I will get the official results in about a week and a half and then I will be able to officially call myself Tony Counsil, CPhT. Titles make me feel extra important. Thursday was the exam but Friday was also a big day for me.

As loyal readers to my blog will know I regularly refer to ESPN's Bill Simmons, a.k.a. the Sports Guy. I would consider him my favorite columnist on the web due to my unhealthy addiction to sports and his witty, acerbic take on them. He recently wrote a book which chronicles the history of basketball. While I am not finished with it yet it has proven to be excellent so far and I look forward to the remaining pages.

Mr. Simmons was in Anaheim signing his book for fans. Being that I have read every word he's written over the last 8 years as well as listened to every podcast he has done there was no way I was missing it. I lined myself up with 400 or so of my closest friends, eagerly anticipating a chance to see the man who has taken up more of our lives than anything except working and sleeping. To say that I walked away from the experience impressed would do a great injustice to the afternoon.

This was my first book signing that I have been to so I was a bit unsure of what to expect. I have heard that many authors will sign his or her name only. Some will write the same small, generic phrase or greeting in all books. I have even heard stories of authors not bothering to look up at the very people who are consuming their product. Bill Simmons did none of the above. As each person stepped up to the table at which he was sitting, he greeted each one with a smile and a kind word. He then proceeded to strike up a short conversation, noticing something about what the fan was wearing or giving a genuine answer to a question a fan might have asked. Only after about 20 or 30 seconds would he begin to write. The message? Something that related specifically to the conversation he had just had. At least that was my experience.

Standing in line for a while before the signing began, I had struck up conversations with a few of those in line. After we had our books signed we compared our experiences and all came away with the same impression: Bill Simmons was the greatest. For each of us he had written something that had pertained to the brief conversations we had with him. Our only conclusion was that he had done this for each and every person in line. To do this for a select few fans would have been nice. To do so for the 400 or so that showed up was downright impressive. He seemed to be truly appreciative for the support of his book and rewarded those of us who took the time to show up with something personal and treasured.

I may go to other book signings and be equally impressed with those authors, who for all I know may end up being even more appreciative and humble. But there is something about the first time you do anything that makes it extra special, and I cannot imagine walking away feeling any more elated than I did last Friday. So often we create heroes and idols in our minds only to meet those heroes and walk away thoroughly unimpressed. I am glad to say that my expectations were greatly exceeded and my signed copy of The Book of Basketball will be a prized possession until I am too senile to follow a basketball game on TV. Or on whatever people are watching games in 2058.