Grab Bag

I have several things on my mind and could not narrow down any one thing to talk about so today I will truly meander with my thoughts.

I saw the funniest/stupidest thing today. I was at a four-way stop and two cars were moving into the intersection in front of me. Both of them needed to turn left but since neither of them had their turn signal on they assumed the other was going straight. They proceeded to hold up traffic for 15-20 seconds until they each figured out that the other was also turning left. I see so much terrible driving that I think there should be a mandatory behind-the-wheel test every 10 years so people don't idiotically forget the basics.

I was thinking about music and wondered what my Mount Rushmore of albums would be. Here are the four in no particular order.
1) Aja - Steely Dan This album is the perfect mood record to listen to when you are in the mood for some upscale jazz rock. From short impactful songs to long, winding, epic instrumentals it has a little bit of everything.
2) Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness - Smashing Pumpkins Speaking of having a little bit of everything, what can be said about this masterpiece that hasn't already been said? For anyone coming of age in the mid to late 90's and into any type of rock/alternative this was the album to own. Lay back, close your eyes and let yourself go on a two hour journey through every emotion. This will certainly go down as the best alternative album ever.
3) Court and Spark - Joni Mitchell Possibly my favorite album ever. Perfect in every way. The songs flow together perfectly, instrumentation is perfect, Joni's voice is perfect. I really grew into this album listening to it almost nonstop on the two cruises I went on. I have probably listened to this 500 times.
4) The Chronic - Dr. Dre The pinnacle of 80's and 90's gangsta rap. This was the first album to blend hard, real lyrics with unparalleled producing. Never before had there been so much melody on rap tracks and the only tracks to have more since ripped off other songs wholesale. Not everyone's cup of tea but definitely the defining album of a very large genre.

A few words about the Angels. My favorite professional sports team was eliminated from the playoffs by the New York Yankees on Sunday. The Yankees were simply better. Once you get so far you always think there is a good chance for your team to win but there is not shame in losing to a better opponent. Manager Mike Sciocsia gets a bad rap for not winning more World Series titles with the team he's got but it's hard to win. Since the Angels won a World Series in 2002, of the four times they have made the playoffs not counting this year, they have been knocked out of the playoffs by the eventual World Series champion three times. They may make it four out of five if the Yankees win this year. They simply are not the better team. It was too bad they couldn't go further but I am not at all disappointed with this year. Great effort all around. By the way, you should have to wait at least a week after your team fails in the playoffs to wear any branded clothing. Wearing Angels gear the next day is not cool.

Finally, a couple of quick notes. Anybody who is fat enough to have ample fat rolls around the stomach should not wear a message T-shirt. I saw a couple today that had illegible words due to excess folding in the midsection. Please do us all a favor; if you are super fat please stop wearing clothes meant for skinny people. Thanks in advance.

I passed a house that had what looked to be spiderweb decorations except they looked like the house got TP'd. Decorations that look like pranks = Halloween FAIL.

I'll stop rambling for now and hopefully on Friday I will have a reasonably coherent group of words for you to read. Until then.

Dreams

Dreams can be uplifting, scary, emotional. I am not talking about the dreams we have for where our lives will end up; I am talking about the dreams we have at night. I am not sure if I am in the minority but my dreams border on out and out bizarre. I'll share a small sample of the past couple of nights. I have no idea what any of it means or why I would dream it, rather I am just writing it down.

My first dream the other night placed me at an Angels World Series Game. I was in a booth which seemed to have a very nice place to eat but not a very good view of the field. I watched Third Eye Blind perform a pregame song which tore up the field and caused a delay. Then during the game, a foul ball came into the booth where I was standing and right to me, which I proceeded to catch. Being that I had never caught a foul ball at a game before, I was quite excited. I moved down to a seat right along the field just as the final out was being made. I looked at the scoreboard: Angels 16, Dodgers 14.

My next dream wasn't very long but it did involve me hanging out at the home of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Their house was filled with many hallways and I got the overwhelming sense of there being a lot of exposed wood beams and wood paneling. I have no idea why I was there, just that Brad was watching a football game and Angelina was off watching the kids.

My dream last night was the weirdest of all. I was at my grandmother's house and was watching a show on TV about Atlantis. They had celebrities, including Alan Thicke of all people, participating in experiments showing that Atlantis was not located off the coast of South America but rather under the coast of South America. There was someone in the room who studied different historical and extraterrestrial phenomena and I remember he had several books with him. I went outside and was surprised to see that instead of the usual cratering on the moon, craters were arranged to look like the back of a dime. Then suddenly what looked to be the sun rose over the horizon, only it wasn't. What it was I am not sure but soon after that something weird happened.

All of the birds in the sky started to fall as well as all of the airplanes. For some reason there were hundreds of birds and dozens of planes in the immediate area. A rather large passenger plane crashed just a couple hundred yards away and I remember being pelted with debris as I hid behind a wall. Before a minute more had passed some type of militaristic law enforcement officers drove up and down the street with loudspeakers telling us that we had to remain inside and would be under constant surveillance. We were also instructed to burn all pictures of loved ones and instead replace them with a list of encrypted names to represent who was supposed to have been in them. This is where the dream ends.

I am not sure if everyone has dreams with weird on a regular basis, but all of my dreams make no sense and most are approaching the level of strangeness in these. I need to look up what all of this means, though part of me is afraid to. I really should write all of my dreams down. It would probably make for either a good case study or a best seller.

Even More 1/3 Baked Ideas

By now you are familiar with my 1/3 baked ideas. These are ideas which come to me and are not quite good enough to be half-baked. Two of today's ideas are sports related so if you quiver at the sight of a baseball, look away now.

The first idea I had involved how baseball teams select their pitching rotations. Usually, the idea is to have your best pitcher pitch in as many games as possible; therefore the best pitcher starts opening day and pitches every fifth game until the season is over. The second-best pitcher pitches the second game and so on. Virtually every team does this. Often, teams will set their pitching orders near the end of the season to have their best pitchers pitch in crucial games to make the playoffs or will arrange pitchers to prepare for the playoffs.

Why not take advantage of this? Instead of putting your teams number 1 pitcher against your opponent's number 1 pitcher or number 2 against number 2, why not stagger your pitchers? Pitch your worst pitcher against the other team's best. You will probably lose but it sets up the rest. Your number 1 goes against their number 2, your number 2 against their number 3, etc. Unless you are facing a team with 5 amazing pitchers, your team stands to have the best pitcher 4 out of 5 games. Suppose you are only able to win 3 of those 4 in which you have the pitching advantage. Even if you lose the game in which the advantage belongs to your opponent, you will still win 60% of the time. That equates to 97 wins which will almost certainly get you into the playoffs in most every year.

As the season progresses teams lose pitchers to injuries or rearrange their pitchers to accommodate days off. A team can do the same based on their upcoming opponent's pitching rotation. In most games you will have the better starting pitcher and this can equal more wins every year in a league where every win matters.

Idea number two also involves sports, but this time football. Everyone is familiar with a two-way mirror. The idea is that you can see through from one side of the glass but the person on the other side sees only a mirrored image. In football, many players have a tinted shield over their eyes to cut down on glare, but often times it is so the opponent cannot see which way they are looking. A quarterback's eyes often give away where he is going to throw the ball. Defensive players often intercept the ball because they track which way the quarterback is moving. Currently quarterbacks do not typically wear any sort of shield covering the eyes as it may produce glare or prevent the quarterback from seeing something. Why not develop an eye shield which utilizes two-way mirror technology in a form that wouldn't shatter and potentially cause an eye injury? How much would this be worth to a team pulling in hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue every year? It would allow the quarterback to scan the field as he chooses and not have to worry about defenders reading where he is going to throw the ball.

My third idea for today involves the delicate intricacies of marriage. Guys hate it when women nag. Women nag because most guys don't hear or understand the first time. There are many types of "grams"; candygrams, telegrams with a song. I suggest a new version: the Nag-o-gram. This involves hiring a gorgeous woman to come to the house under some pretense (while the wife is home of course) and do a little flirting with the guy while delivering a message about an opportunity for improvement. Something along the lines of "I love it when guys wear nice jeans instead of dirty sweat pants." Instead of losing points with your man by nagging him, score some points by livening up his day while subtly delivering a targeted message. Men will do anything if they think it will make hot women want them. Here's a way to convince them. You can even choose a woman based on the man's type. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Stay tuned for more 1/3 baked ideas. You never know when they'll pop out the oven prematurely.

I'm back. After more than a month away I am set to deliver all of the great stuff that you've come to know and tolerate. I was trying to decide what to write about and thought it would be a great idea to do a mailbag column. You know, one of those where the writer answers E-mail questions from his or her readers. So I went to my E-mail and saw that there were exactly zero E-mails from anyone who reads this on a regular basis. After having a couple drinks and crying I decided that I wouldn't let such minor details derail the post. So I decided to do a mailbag as though I had received an avalanche of questions. As always, these are not actual submissions by my readers.

Why were you away so long? Did you pull a Dave Chappelle and go to South Africa?

I wasn't in South Africa; the airfare is outrageous! I'm not changing my name to Lemony Snicket anytime soon but I was beset by a series of unfortunate events. The first thing to happen is that I completely threw my back out. I'm not talking about needing a couple Tylenol and stretching; I'm talking about not being able to walk, sit up, or even roll over without excruciating pain. I was confined to bed for a couple of days before I could really walk and even then, I couldn't sit down in a chair for more than 5 minutes for about two weeks after. Then I got a bad cold which was compounded by a bout of what I think was food poisoning which wiped me out for a couple days. Throw in my whole family getting sick around the same time and much consternation regarding my future status as a pharmacy technician and it doesn't leave a whole lot of time to write. Oh yeah, and I spent some time with my family too.

Now that the baseball playoffs are starting, what do you think of your beloved Angels and their chance of winning the World Series?

I do like the way they have been playing recently, winning 8 of their last 9 games to close out the season. I don't like the way they are matched up against the Boston Red Sox again. I hear people saying that the Angels can't lose every match up against the Red Sox in the playoffs. While that's true, I have no reason to think that this year is any different. It is sort of like playing craps in Vegas. If someone is on a winning streak throwing the dice you have to keep betting on them until they lose. Same with the Angels. In reverse. If the Angels can get past Boston, I would rate them as 3 to 1 to win it all.

Bill Clinton appeared with Gavin Newsom this week. What do you think that will do to his chances running for governor next year?

First of all, let's have no pretenses here: Gavin Newsom is running for governor right now. He hasn't been a major difference maker in San Francisco for a little while. Getting an endorsement from Bill Clinton is kind of like getting an endorsement from your fun uncle. While it may help a little, nobody is going to take it that seriously because he's the fun uncle. He is still an important figure in the Democratic party when it comes to raising money but I can't see too many people voting for Gavin just because Clinton spoke on his behalf. The real front-runner, in my opinion, is Jerry Brown. He has been governor before, is popular, has some moderate credentials, and has no serious Republican opposition.

Did you see that guy's bungee cord snapping before he hit the water? Crazy.

I did see it. As if I needed another reason to not go bungee jumping.

Chicago lost out on the chance for the U.S. to host the Olympics in 2016. What do you think of Rio de Janiero as the host city?

Insert corruption joke here. As many jokes as have been made about how one of the most corrupt places in America couldn't bribe the International Olympic Committee enough, what could they have done? If you had to tempt the committee with prostitutes would you take some high class blondes or the best of the best of hot, beach-going Brazilian women? The hottest women in the U.S. couldn't touch the top 25% of women in Brazil. No contest. Sure, there are issues of crime, pollution, poverty, etc. One word: Carnival. Does United book 7 years in advance?

I think that with all of this cooler weather and the snowstorms sweeping the country there should be a 6 month moratorium on global warming talk. What say you?

I have never been a huge proponent of the fact that human activity has caused Earth to heat up like an oven and we are on a fast track to global calamity. But just as one can't point to a few years and conclude that we are indefinitely heating up, one also cannot point to the last few years and conclude that we are cooling and are definitely not heating up. Earth has been here for more than 4 billion years; the last hundred years are simply too small of a sample to draw conclusions from. Carbon output continues to rise yet temperatures have fallen a bit. It could be a natural cycle, it could be less sunspot activity, it could be the fact that I wore new shoes last year. We simply can't be sure. It would be nice to hear from Al Gore though. We heard nothing but how we were at the tipping point; that climatic armegeddon was right around the corner. Now it has been cooler the last couple of years and not a peep. People never crow as loudly when the evidence is going the other way. Can we all agree that maybe things are not as dramatic in either direction as we think they are? Let's just be reasonable and do what we can and what makes sense and things will work out the way they are supposed to work out.

What is your DVR recording this fall?

I have found myself watching more TV lately than ever before. I wondered why until I heard a great theory on Bill Simmons' podcast. The case was made that a couple decades ago great filmmakers were able to make their films without much executive interference. They got to make great art and chances were taken. TV was much more routine with typical sitcoms and bland dramas. Now the roles have reversed. TV, with so many different channels, cannot draw as many viewers. Because of this, networks do not need to appeal to 30 million people to make money and be a hit. More focused content and looser budgets allows networks to let the creative people be creative. The film industry is now tied up with formulaic content, with studios not willing to take a chance on an unknown writer or unknown actors. They would rather make a crappy sequel to a terrible film with a big star in it than make real art. Even the independent movies have become contrived; they are all about drugs, struggling in the arts, or being poor in a small town.

I have recently started watching Dexter and Mad Men and am very impressed. I enjoy The Mentalist, The Office, House, Medium, and The Simpsons among others. ESPN also has a new series of documentaries 30 for 30. The first was great and I expect the others to be. Essentially, I like to watch shows with which networks let their creative people be creative rather than having 16 brainstorming sessions per episode. I have also become interested in getting older shows which aired on pay cable delivered on Netflix. Shows like The Sopranos, The Wire and Deadwood. Much more interesting than the latest Fantastic 4 movie.

So, if you ever write again, will we have to wait as long for the next post?

No, I am going to be back to my regular Tuesday and Friday posts. I need the structure to make sure that I stay mentally acute, (as much as possible for me anyway) and make sure that I am adding something to the universe instead of constantly taking things in. Much as I know I will not add anything of lasting substance to the world but hope my kids will, I will keep writing knowing that perhaps this blog won't change the world, but that maybe somehow, someone will be inspired in some obscure way to do something great. Sorry, I couldn't say that with a straight face. Who am I kidding? I'm a blowhard and this is my outlet.

Look out for my next post on Friday. I promise I will be regular with my posts. I wish I knew how to quit blogging. I just can't.

Thanks for reading and big balls.