I'm back. After more than a month away I am set to deliver all of the great stuff that you've come to know and tolerate. I was trying to decide what to write about and thought it would be a great idea to do a mailbag column. You know, one of those where the writer answers E-mail questions from his or her readers. So I went to my E-mail and saw that there were exactly zero E-mails from anyone who reads this on a regular basis. After having a couple drinks and crying I decided that I wouldn't let such minor details derail the post. So I decided to do a mailbag as though I had received an avalanche of questions. As always, these are not actual submissions by my readers.

Why were you away so long? Did you pull a Dave Chappelle and go to South Africa?

I wasn't in South Africa; the airfare is outrageous! I'm not changing my name to Lemony Snicket anytime soon but I was beset by a series of unfortunate events. The first thing to happen is that I completely threw my back out. I'm not talking about needing a couple Tylenol and stretching; I'm talking about not being able to walk, sit up, or even roll over without excruciating pain. I was confined to bed for a couple of days before I could really walk and even then, I couldn't sit down in a chair for more than 5 minutes for about two weeks after. Then I got a bad cold which was compounded by a bout of what I think was food poisoning which wiped me out for a couple days. Throw in my whole family getting sick around the same time and much consternation regarding my future status as a pharmacy technician and it doesn't leave a whole lot of time to write. Oh yeah, and I spent some time with my family too.

Now that the baseball playoffs are starting, what do you think of your beloved Angels and their chance of winning the World Series?

I do like the way they have been playing recently, winning 8 of their last 9 games to close out the season. I don't like the way they are matched up against the Boston Red Sox again. I hear people saying that the Angels can't lose every match up against the Red Sox in the playoffs. While that's true, I have no reason to think that this year is any different. It is sort of like playing craps in Vegas. If someone is on a winning streak throwing the dice you have to keep betting on them until they lose. Same with the Angels. In reverse. If the Angels can get past Boston, I would rate them as 3 to 1 to win it all.

Bill Clinton appeared with Gavin Newsom this week. What do you think that will do to his chances running for governor next year?

First of all, let's have no pretenses here: Gavin Newsom is running for governor right now. He hasn't been a major difference maker in San Francisco for a little while. Getting an endorsement from Bill Clinton is kind of like getting an endorsement from your fun uncle. While it may help a little, nobody is going to take it that seriously because he's the fun uncle. He is still an important figure in the Democratic party when it comes to raising money but I can't see too many people voting for Gavin just because Clinton spoke on his behalf. The real front-runner, in my opinion, is Jerry Brown. He has been governor before, is popular, has some moderate credentials, and has no serious Republican opposition.

Did you see that guy's bungee cord snapping before he hit the water? Crazy.

I did see it. As if I needed another reason to not go bungee jumping.

Chicago lost out on the chance for the U.S. to host the Olympics in 2016. What do you think of Rio de Janiero as the host city?

Insert corruption joke here. As many jokes as have been made about how one of the most corrupt places in America couldn't bribe the International Olympic Committee enough, what could they have done? If you had to tempt the committee with prostitutes would you take some high class blondes or the best of the best of hot, beach-going Brazilian women? The hottest women in the U.S. couldn't touch the top 25% of women in Brazil. No contest. Sure, there are issues of crime, pollution, poverty, etc. One word: Carnival. Does United book 7 years in advance?

I think that with all of this cooler weather and the snowstorms sweeping the country there should be a 6 month moratorium on global warming talk. What say you?

I have never been a huge proponent of the fact that human activity has caused Earth to heat up like an oven and we are on a fast track to global calamity. But just as one can't point to a few years and conclude that we are indefinitely heating up, one also cannot point to the last few years and conclude that we are cooling and are definitely not heating up. Earth has been here for more than 4 billion years; the last hundred years are simply too small of a sample to draw conclusions from. Carbon output continues to rise yet temperatures have fallen a bit. It could be a natural cycle, it could be less sunspot activity, it could be the fact that I wore new shoes last year. We simply can't be sure. It would be nice to hear from Al Gore though. We heard nothing but how we were at the tipping point; that climatic armegeddon was right around the corner. Now it has been cooler the last couple of years and not a peep. People never crow as loudly when the evidence is going the other way. Can we all agree that maybe things are not as dramatic in either direction as we think they are? Let's just be reasonable and do what we can and what makes sense and things will work out the way they are supposed to work out.

What is your DVR recording this fall?

I have found myself watching more TV lately than ever before. I wondered why until I heard a great theory on Bill Simmons' podcast. The case was made that a couple decades ago great filmmakers were able to make their films without much executive interference. They got to make great art and chances were taken. TV was much more routine with typical sitcoms and bland dramas. Now the roles have reversed. TV, with so many different channels, cannot draw as many viewers. Because of this, networks do not need to appeal to 30 million people to make money and be a hit. More focused content and looser budgets allows networks to let the creative people be creative. The film industry is now tied up with formulaic content, with studios not willing to take a chance on an unknown writer or unknown actors. They would rather make a crappy sequel to a terrible film with a big star in it than make real art. Even the independent movies have become contrived; they are all about drugs, struggling in the arts, or being poor in a small town.

I have recently started watching Dexter and Mad Men and am very impressed. I enjoy The Mentalist, The Office, House, Medium, and The Simpsons among others. ESPN also has a new series of documentaries 30 for 30. The first was great and I expect the others to be. Essentially, I like to watch shows with which networks let their creative people be creative rather than having 16 brainstorming sessions per episode. I have also become interested in getting older shows which aired on pay cable delivered on Netflix. Shows like The Sopranos, The Wire and Deadwood. Much more interesting than the latest Fantastic 4 movie.

So, if you ever write again, will we have to wait as long for the next post?

No, I am going to be back to my regular Tuesday and Friday posts. I need the structure to make sure that I stay mentally acute, (as much as possible for me anyway) and make sure that I am adding something to the universe instead of constantly taking things in. Much as I know I will not add anything of lasting substance to the world but hope my kids will, I will keep writing knowing that perhaps this blog won't change the world, but that maybe somehow, someone will be inspired in some obscure way to do something great. Sorry, I couldn't say that with a straight face. Who am I kidding? I'm a blowhard and this is my outlet.

Look out for my next post on Friday. I promise I will be regular with my posts. I wish I knew how to quit blogging. I just can't.

Thanks for reading and big balls.